– no more –

this piece speaks for itself. not much to say except i hope you enjoy! 

At certain times I feel content with the way things are, I don’t complain about the scars and the passing emotions that at unwanted times collide with my broken heart.

I don’t mind the building anger that I feel because of the pleas, my heart when it begs for you.



You move so independently, freely and so immediately you’ve forgotten as if you’re already forgiven for the pain and the misery you cause. Like you don’t know how often you carry me away in thoughts of surreal reality and your knowledge of how you’re loved by an inner part of me. However you don’t realise that your absence is near enough killing me.



Bringing me to almost tears as I’m wallowing in my mind. My deepest fears I find there, it’s not clear what the cause is but the moments of regret crawl deep into the depths of my brain’s skies.



I find the words to speak my mind but they are not coherent with the troubled content. Simple words fail to describe, depict or revive. The jumbled words stay with no response and remain deviant to my cognitive commands.



Addiction to love, the feeling of. The drug similarities are crystal. I give up trying to sober up. Absorb rather than rehabilitate and cover my addiction, also known as attraction but this is a devotion of the soul to one being, tired of being alone and covered within depression. Engulfed with the burden of keeping in my expression and unconfessed confession.



How many times can I learn one lesson? How much do I have to fight until I’m beaten down? No more feeling, no more love. No more daydreams equals no hurt. No open doors no chance for heart ache, no more battles in my head.



I think I am better off. The me that dances in the sun and revels in thoughts of the one is better of gone. The me that rejoices in vulnerability, unknowingly moving with naivety tied to her tired heart had better move on.



This heart of mine that jumps at the sight of possible love, smiles at the realities that shine in the real world. My heart, forever in pieces that wishes and wonders how. When will it be delicately placed together again?



Broken. Unspoken words stay woven into the intricate pieces that will forever say separated and until that day, buried it will stay.

– @mitchieer

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Depression

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me.  A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me. A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

“Shh depression doesn’t exist”
Those were the same words I repeated to myself
As I stood gasping for breath,
trying to fight my masked enemy
but the more I tried
the tighter my chest became
closing up against itself.
I felt helpless.

“Depression is said to occur due to an imbalance of chemicals”
I repeated to myself
as the knots in my stomach began to tighten
smaller patterns each time
bringing tears to my eyes
As I allowed myself to dwell on the fact that theory was not reality
and that those who wrote the textbooks hadn’t lived the life that I lived

I was sat in a room full of people
yet I felt alone
My face did not betray the reality of what I was currently experiencing
I usually didn’t cry
but my heart felt like it was drenched in sorrow
perpetual damnation
Again the thought crossed my mind, that:
Academics could sit down all day and write but they would never experience the way it felt to desire death whilst praying for life at the same time

Praying for life because my sun had been overwhelmed by darkness
No sight of hope in myself or those whom I called friends
They would never understand how it felt to deal with such a menacing pursuer
How it felt when the ambiance and crowd had dispersed and all that remained was the small nagging voice inside my head prodding at my tender heart and attacking every aspect of my life
And so it’s funny when people think I’m strong but on the inside I’m crumbling
I’m used to being the rock they lean on, but where’s my support?

And it easier said than done when people say “tell me about it, just talk”
IT’S HARD TO SPEAK
How can I say “I’m suffering”, when it’s not something we talk about?
Strong black independent woman that I am
The strong black independent man
We are strong and black and bold
Depression does not exist
We say out loud, whilst we warily eye the clock
waiting to go home and assume foetus position on our beds as we weep
Our loud cries trying to silence those voices

Those tiny consistent voices
My personal nemesis
It makes me despise the philosophical concept of
“I think therefore I am”
Is my existence really necessary?
Why must I think?
The very thing that asserts my humanity destroys me completely…
My thoughts.

I want to stand on the highest mountain and scream and regain my being
I want to go back to how things were before depression overcame me
I want to overcome it
I’m tired
I’m tired of being tired
I want my freedom
“FREE ME!”
I shout, silently whispering the words “please” after

Hoping, praying that my demons take it easy with me
Praying that my shouting didn’t offend them and even if it did
hoping that my guardian angel is finally bold enough to fight on my behalf…
As I regain consciousness I hear the words,
“Why are you here?”
My voice breaking I looked up at her and said
“I tried to overcome depression
I guess I was given a second chance”
She smiled at me and repeated the same words I heard Annalise Keating say on TV last night
Last night when I thought it was too late to puke up the concoction

“I think about it a lot. Killing myself.
I have ever since I was a child.
A lot of times, I think the world would be a much better place without me in it.
But I don’t do it.
You’re a better person than I am.
And if I don’t deserve to die, then you definitely don’t.
I’m sorry you feel alone in your pain, but so do I.
So does everybody. That’s life.”

And you know what?
“That’s life”
Sounds like a better phrase to me than
“depression doesn’t exist”
It’s hard to treat what you refuse to acknowledge
Some days are good
Some days are okay
Some days could be better
Each day I like to think that I grow stronger
And at the end of the day
It’s only ever a bad day not a bad life.

@SummerKnight99 and co-written with a good friend

Be Yourself

Be yourself
It’s the only thing you can be,
Pretence is painful
Honesty is rewarding .

We forget who we are in trying to please the masses
And at the end of the day most of them don’t even have our backs.

Wasted time
Feeling like a wasted life,
The saddest thing is that we’ll only ever meet a few people who care about us
And sometimes we’re too busy looking elsewhere to acknowledge them all.

Life is like a mirror
For a fleeting moment, we see other images in the background which start to blur.
In the end we become focused on our own image losing all knowledge of our surroundings
And it is then that we begin to notice ourselves for who we truly are away from the crowd, the noise, the irrelevant things.

And such is life, everything will eventually blur until your vision becomes focused on you and not the mere distractions in the background.

@SummerKnight99 co-written with a good friend.

Let not your soul and feet wander from its resting place, find solace and strength in the joy of being YOU.

Let not your soul and feet wander from its resting place, find solace and strength in the joy of being YOU.

Peace

IMG_1498

Birds, flowers and the sun,
these are but the few signs of summer.
The joy of staying late into the night
to catch the stars and moon glisten
casting their light unto a sleepless world.

With loved ones by your side enjoying
the cool wind blowing by,
accompanied by the peaceful slow paced
breathing that is in sync with the tide coming in and out
towards you.

These are the moments you savour for
they leave imprinted footprints in your memory
of how serene life can be.

@SummerKnight99

– prodigal daughter – 

but still He loves me anyways. 

It used to be you and me. 

Against the world we fought all the enemies and as I entrusted you will all my adversities you never failed to save me. 
I gave you all I had. I surrendered my plans and all that I had mapped out in my brain, every path that I myself had planned to take I offered it to you in exchange of your peace that told me things would change but for the better. 


I don’t know what happened. I don’t know when I began to change for the worst. Shaping my prayer around my own desires not yours. Developing a mindset that was selfish and needy, complaining about the inequality of the world and at the same time being greedy for your blessings.  


Useless things I wanted to obtain from you. Unknowingly I was telling you what to do and demanding things from you forgetting that you are all powerful which means that I am not worthy to be demanding anything from you for without your grace I would be nothing. 
I realise now you are my everything. With all my heart, I come to you with all reverence and asking your forgiveness. 

You are refuge, my resolve and my fortress. You protect and you fight for me and when I feel worthless you make me feel priceless – you tell me how much you love me and as I begin to live in this, I am whole again. 
Running into you, your open arms engulf me. Your radiant love holds me close and although it was lost for a moment, it’s not long until I’m falling deeper into you and your acceptance covers me as though I never ran. 

– a lost concept – 

love v.2

slightly better and edited version of the valentines poem (do you know of a love that is pure 14/02/15)

might as well be a new poem.

What is love? 


Commonly defined as an intense feeling of deep affection towards another. Symptoms include: loosing all sense of the world surrounding you. Not knowing what to do at the thought of this other as a future lover. 

Another definition states it a deep romantic, sexual attraction. 
See, we are known to delude ourselves of the reality and to forget about the possible consequences. Everything around us tells us that saying ‘I love you’ prematurely won’t erode our emotional purity but those very words create a false sense of security, walls are broken down and due to no protection, we’re left with a regret that lasts for eternity.  
There’s also a belief that we’re immune to temptation because we’re new creations. When we plant attraction in our minds, it causes us to be distracted and then we’re investing time into this attraction without realizing the price we’re paying. 
We live with a man made ideology that justifies taking God out of the equation despite the fact He is the original creator of love. 
It’s this thinking that causes divisions. It’s creating different definitions that sugarcoat sinning into something that tells us that there’s a missing part within us and only acceptance from a man or woman will satisfy it. 
Love is patient and love is kind. It does not become blind to the harsh realities of the world. When we love, pride can worm it’s way into our system and before we know it, it’s all about us. We become oblivious. Although the love of God is so obvious, our own version of love hinders us from his mysterious wonder. 

Let’s be serious.
Without His plans love is dangerous and in the wrong hands; It becomes abused. Emotions become recycled and reused and even the word ‘love’ is misused causing us to lose ourselves due to refusing to make God our refuge. 
Without God a priority, love becomes part of many adversities. It becomes full of unclean strategies that are structured to please ‘the one’ you want to spend all of eternity with. 
It becomes covered with dishonesty, although your mouth speaks sweet nothings your heart is filling with uncertainty because when heart break comes, you’re back to square one looking out for a new candidate to fill the empty cavity. 
You begin questioning your own abilities, your joy placed in one being and their reaction to your feelings. Your world no longer found in who you are but who they see you to be. Changing all the things God loves about you to suit a preference named by your preferred mate. 
 

You submit to creating scenes in your head, mislead as to what you want. Your desires stem from being close to them and feeling pleasure from their essence and atmosphere. You forget the One who has always been there. Caught up in staring and sharing unspoken moments with the person who is actually making you forget who you are. 
Instead of finding your own identity, you focus on unpicking their souls inside out. Despite the fact God already has this figured, you make it a goal and spend hours trying to devour their inner hearts. 
Once you feel closer to compatibility and they fulfill your desirability by ticking every box on your check list, you start to analyse them. 

Now you want to know how the inside of their brain works, and you’ll happily exchange your own clockworks and the deepest of emotions so you can be closer. 
You start to discover things within them after its too late, you’ve already given yourself away, whether it’s physically or mentally but almost always spiritually you’ve lost all meaning. 

Now you question love. The fact that people are so heartless, the fact they paid less attention to your eyes and more to your thighs or the fact that they lied countless times this only tells us one thing: the actions of humans, whether bad or good, will not portray the complete and true beauty of love. 
This is a world where men have no shame in leading women to believe that they won’t eventually but accidentally contribute to their insecurities. 
This is a world where women themselves happily disregard their values, discarding their worth in order to be seen as valuable by a man. Manipulation causes an emotional exchange of virtues and in return, empty promises.  
This is not what love is. 
Love is not for us to go through heartbreak and then separate from God because we blame him. We scream to the skies, asking Him why he would let our insides die but we must realise that all the ache has been washed away but it will come back and remain if we make the same mistakes. 
God made a sacrifice and through that He shows us love everyday. We are worth more than what the world says. Our aim is to love each other with a love like God’s and to let it stay that way because only then will we know that when love resonates within our souls, there is no need to search elsewhere. 

– @mitchieer

– declaration |part 1|  – 

heard a quote that said 

‘ don’t wear it on your chest, if you don’t wear it on your back ‘ 

basically if you love God, are you representing? 

this is my declaration. 

I will stand firm in my beliefs 

I will not shake my love for the saviour who gave His life 
I will not ignore my growing love in order to please others, I will not hide 

He did not hide from his fate. 
When He died, the stakes were raised
When He died, the decision was made that I would protect Him for all my days 
I will forever defend Him because of His sacrifice 

I will not think twice about steadfastly loving Him and all He is 
With all I am, I give myself away 
I will not restrain from being who I was made to be
I am a friend of God and also His daughter 
The universe’s creator but also my Father. 
To the fatherless, He is there
Bringing hope to the hopeless with promises of the kingdom: that is my God. 

The word He created speaks more truth that any ever spoken 
He vows to heal the sick and tend to the broken and mend the hearts that have been shattered. 
Tears that fell uncontrollably with sadness He will transform into tears of joy. 
Forever my heart beats everyday with anticipation of His coming. 
Great will be the day that He will arrive and show me that as I dedicated my life to Him, eternity is my well deserved gift and forever I will dwell with Him in the clouds. 

I will walk where angels roam and be where God will be. I will be with Him and all my wishes will be fulfilled.