Joy

The sun always shines brightest in the morning

The sun always shines brightest in the morning

Joy comes at the end, this may be why when we are on our death beds the question gets asked, did you have a fulfil life ? Do you regret anything ?

For this reason, we begin to critically analyse our life and measure how well we’ve lived, it’s a reflection on our past. Socrates stated “an unexamined life is wasted” I believe this comes into play as we are on the verge of death.

Will you experience a level of joy on your death bed or will it be a feeling of utter regret and dryness in your mouth, forgetting the taste of your somewhat enjoyable memories.

I only pray mine will be the latter.

That quote strikes me a great deal, “Joy comes in the morning”. I wonder what misfortune King David found himself in, so that he stayed up all night restlessly waiting for the skies to give way to light and darkness to flee. I’m suspicious to imagine him reminding his scribe to take note of his statement “joy comes in the morning” after dealing with his problems so he may use it for future references. Maybe, I don’t know.

However, what I do seem to know to some extent, is that there is always some satisfaction at the end of something. I would like to say we will receive the same sort of feeling as we approach the finishing lap on the track of life and declare like St.Paul “I have fought the good fight”.

Fight the good fight, take everyday with a pinch of salt eventually you’ll have a well seasoned meal worth eating.  And lastly, don’t despair when nothing seems to be going your way, if you think all hope is lost be sure to remember “Joy comes in the morning”. After all, even those that are blind can feel the heat of the sun rays reassuring them of the fact that although they may not see the sun they sure can feel it’s radiance like everyone else. You too, soon enough will be able to bask in the radiance of the sun like everyone just don’t throw away your shades because there’s a season coming that all the light and glory of the sun will shine upon you allowing you to have the best of both worlds – feeling the Suns radiance and seeing the sun. Keep the shades don’t throw them away, the rain will pass and a rainbow will appear.

@SummerKnight99

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Depression

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me.  A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me. A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

“Shh depression doesn’t exist”
Those were the same words I repeated to myself
As I stood gasping for breath,
trying to fight my masked enemy
but the more I tried
the tighter my chest became
closing up against itself.
I felt helpless.

“Depression is said to occur due to an imbalance of chemicals”
I repeated to myself
as the knots in my stomach began to tighten
smaller patterns each time
bringing tears to my eyes
As I allowed myself to dwell on the fact that theory was not reality
and that those who wrote the textbooks hadn’t lived the life that I lived

I was sat in a room full of people
yet I felt alone
My face did not betray the reality of what I was currently experiencing
I usually didn’t cry
but my heart felt like it was drenched in sorrow
perpetual damnation
Again the thought crossed my mind, that:
Academics could sit down all day and write but they would never experience the way it felt to desire death whilst praying for life at the same time

Praying for life because my sun had been overwhelmed by darkness
No sight of hope in myself or those whom I called friends
They would never understand how it felt to deal with such a menacing pursuer
How it felt when the ambiance and crowd had dispersed and all that remained was the small nagging voice inside my head prodding at my tender heart and attacking every aspect of my life
And so it’s funny when people think I’m strong but on the inside I’m crumbling
I’m used to being the rock they lean on, but where’s my support?

And it easier said than done when people say “tell me about it, just talk”
IT’S HARD TO SPEAK
How can I say “I’m suffering”, when it’s not something we talk about?
Strong black independent woman that I am
The strong black independent man
We are strong and black and bold
Depression does not exist
We say out loud, whilst we warily eye the clock
waiting to go home and assume foetus position on our beds as we weep
Our loud cries trying to silence those voices

Those tiny consistent voices
My personal nemesis
It makes me despise the philosophical concept of
“I think therefore I am”
Is my existence really necessary?
Why must I think?
The very thing that asserts my humanity destroys me completely…
My thoughts.

I want to stand on the highest mountain and scream and regain my being
I want to go back to how things were before depression overcame me
I want to overcome it
I’m tired
I’m tired of being tired
I want my freedom
“FREE ME!”
I shout, silently whispering the words “please” after

Hoping, praying that my demons take it easy with me
Praying that my shouting didn’t offend them and even if it did
hoping that my guardian angel is finally bold enough to fight on my behalf…
As I regain consciousness I hear the words,
“Why are you here?”
My voice breaking I looked up at her and said
“I tried to overcome depression
I guess I was given a second chance”
She smiled at me and repeated the same words I heard Annalise Keating say on TV last night
Last night when I thought it was too late to puke up the concoction

“I think about it a lot. Killing myself.
I have ever since I was a child.
A lot of times, I think the world would be a much better place without me in it.
But I don’t do it.
You’re a better person than I am.
And if I don’t deserve to die, then you definitely don’t.
I’m sorry you feel alone in your pain, but so do I.
So does everybody. That’s life.”

And you know what?
“That’s life”
Sounds like a better phrase to me than
“depression doesn’t exist”
It’s hard to treat what you refuse to acknowledge
Some days are good
Some days are okay
Some days could be better
Each day I like to think that I grow stronger
And at the end of the day
It’s only ever a bad day not a bad life.

@SummerKnight99 and co-written with a good friend

Be Yourself

Be yourself
It’s the only thing you can be,
Pretence is painful
Honesty is rewarding .

We forget who we are in trying to please the masses
And at the end of the day most of them don’t even have our backs.

Wasted time
Feeling like a wasted life,
The saddest thing is that we’ll only ever meet a few people who care about us
And sometimes we’re too busy looking elsewhere to acknowledge them all.

Life is like a mirror
For a fleeting moment, we see other images in the background which start to blur.
In the end we become focused on our own image losing all knowledge of our surroundings
And it is then that we begin to notice ourselves for who we truly are away from the crowd, the noise, the irrelevant things.

And such is life, everything will eventually blur until your vision becomes focused on you and not the mere distractions in the background.

@SummerKnight99 co-written with a good friend.

Let not your soul and feet wander from its resting place, find solace and strength in the joy of being YOU.

Let not your soul and feet wander from its resting place, find solace and strength in the joy of being YOU.

– easy as ABC –

A love that can not be destroyed more like a 

Beautiful curse placed upon God’s only. 

Christ, who is wholly God gave up his Holy throne to save us 

Death engulfed Him so we were made free

Every sin ever known to man was destroyed in an instant 

Freely, we roam the earth only because of God. 

God. Our Father and our friend. Also our 

Healer and our protector. Although we were the persecutors he told us 

I love you and I will die for you’ 

Just like that, our sinned was wiped away the 

King of kings slain for love. Slain for our sake 

Love knows no depths as this. No measures and no lengths as this. 

Morning came on the third day, expecting a decayed Christ,  we found a risen king.

Nothing in the universe could stop Him from resurrecting and running back to us with 

Open arms and a place by His side for all our days to come 

Putting all our pasts behind us, everything forgotten the instant we rose with Him. We now know our God. 

Quick to love and slow to anger is our precious God. He

Reigns  forever and ready to accept us as our redeemer 

Sin no longer defining us but His love owning us. 

Today He is the same as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow 

Under His grace we’re covered, His love carrying us. 

Vanity, greed, war, hate – all things we were lost in. Now we’re 

Winning because we’ve been graced with a new beginning 

X marks the treasure we were searching for 

You and me. Travelling through life searching for our home and now 

Zion welcomes us, the treasure that is Jesus waits for us there. 

just trying something new here. been meaning to post this for a while but procrastination is an enemy of progress..

enjoy 🙂

@mitchieer

Peace

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Birds, flowers and the sun,
these are but the few signs of summer.
The joy of staying late into the night
to catch the stars and moon glisten
casting their light unto a sleepless world.

With loved ones by your side enjoying
the cool wind blowing by,
accompanied by the peaceful slow paced
breathing that is in sync with the tide coming in and out
towards you.

These are the moments you savour for
they leave imprinted footprints in your memory
of how serene life can be.

@SummerKnight99

The 3rd Dimension to a Man

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“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” – Sigmund Freud

The main reason why i’m writing about this is because of a number of reasons: one a lot of people especially females have noticed the stuff i’ve wrote on the blog are emotional poetry and they have commended me. Secondly, its interesting to hear from a female perspective the way they see men display their emotions. Thirdly, its something that needs to be spoken about particularly in a culture and society that seems to reinforce the idea that men displaying their emotions is a sign of weakness, or its a woman’s characteristic to cry and show emotions, thus men are looked down upon by other men when they do so.

The reason why i’ve titled this post – ‘3rd dimension to a man’ is because, i believe humans are composed of 3 substances. The first being our physical body, the second being our spirit and the third our Soul. and the Soul (whether you believe in it or not is your opinion to have) is the most precious and sensitive component to a human, its what drives us, when we feel sad or happy our soul carries the burden and joy, our soul understands our deepest desires and wishes, feels the most pain in a song or the aftermath of a broken heart. Thus, for females or anyone wanting to see a man display their emotions, they first have to touch their soul which will reflect their inward feelings of happiness, sadness or sorrow, or being in love, or utter rage.

The common question that gets raised is “why do guys find it hard to show emotion” and the common answer is “because we do not want to” or “a guy shouldn’t show emotions in public….” First of all, i want you to know what i understand by emotion. The way i understand the phrase “showing emotion” is to see a guy cry, and act in any way that leaves him feeling vulnerable and this is one of the main reasons why guys find it hard to show emotions if we’re taking it by what i understand it to be. Yes we live in a society that is hyper masculine, whereby guys try so hard to maintain this image of being a ‘Tough guy’ who won’t let the slightest thing upset him or wouldn’t dare shed a tear in public for someone they love unless its in private or mourn about the hard times they’re going through to their friends.

You see, I myself do it – why you may ask, well because what do i say to my friend when he questions why i’m crying and i explain myself to him. In that moment of explanation, although he might sympathise with me i know he’ll tell me to ‘man up and keep going forward’. This very illustration is the root of the problem, we – adult men or boys in their teenage-hood or childhood stage have been told from a very young age to repress our feelings at all times, when we get excited about something we are told ‘relax or calm down’ when we cry we are reminded ‘big boys don’t cry’ and these sort of remarks have been ingrained into our subconscious to the extent in which we begin to reprimand ourselves when we act in any way that is ‘Violating’ how a guy should behave.

Guys are exposed to the gym, physical sports, careers such as the military and are expected to have Alpha Male complexes whereby we are confident in ourselves, we can lead and be decisive having no room for compromise. So tell me, how do you expect a man to show emotions when surrounded by such things and ideals?

The very idea of even opening up to someone else is hard, confiding in them to know your ambitions and deepest feels. I personally do not, unless i am 100% sure that i can fully trust them and they would not talk behind my back. I like to maintain the belief that i can deal with everything especially bad things by being quite, and this is mainly with emotions, and i think most guys think this as well. Being silent when you’re upset or when you’re starting to (as we refer to it nowadays) ‘catch feelings for someone’ is the best way from preventing yourself getting hurt. As what often happens is a guy would ‘catch feelings’ for a girl and when they reveal these feelings, theres a possibility the feelings are not reciprocal. If the feelings are not reciprocal and the girl notifies her friends of the guy that tried approaching her than the whole situation becomes embarrassing for the guy. This is part of the reason why us guys find it hard to tell woman how we feel towards them for fear of being rejected and feeling vulnerable.

This is not to say that all guys are afraid of being rejected, there’s an element of trust in play as well, in the sense we expect it to be between ourselves -no more, no less. There’s nothing worse for a guy that has been rejected to be taken the piss out off by other guys or the girl’s friends, and i’m sure that this has happened to every guy at least once in their life time – your friends having ‘banter’ at your incompetence.

The term ‘I Love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’ may be hard for some guys to say and truly mean it. Theres a sense of pride attached to them, if i am to say ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘i love you’ than it means i have realised and acknowledged my errors, or how much you mean to me and this is how i’m going to express my feelings to you by telling you or doing something for you. The 3rd dimension of a man can be hard to unlock, there are some couple’s out there in the world who have been married for so many years that their husbands have to an extent stopped reminding them just how much they love them, or they fail to demonstrate their love and this leads to confusion and unnecessary fights.

Men find it easy to cry when their favourite sports team have won a major game or title, or when they’re laughing but this type of crying is not one that leaves them feeling vulnerable and makes them move inwardly – no this is the cry of joy not sorrow or because of being heart broken and sad because they’ve fallen out with their wives or girlfriend or their close friends. However, a man can cry without feeling shame at the death of a loved one, but this is too late to show such signs of affection thus bringing us back to the question why do guys find it hard to show their emotions?

Some may say because of society’s expectations, but i believe its because theres a profoundness in showing emotions. To show emotions – crying, the feeling of being in love, feeling pain, joy, despair or any mixed emotions leaves one feeling totally lost and consumed by unexplainable thoughts. And when the phase of going through these emotions has gone by, we seem to return to our senses and question our behaviour, whether or not it was rational to speak so emotionally or to behave in such and such a manner. Most of the time we guys laugh at ourselves and say ‘i won’t do that again’. This is because of the feeling that is attached to crying, you’re pouring out and displaying how broken up you are inside and the frustration and anger of not being able to do anything about it is eating you up, and when its too much for you to handle you release it, and there you’ll see a guy who’s soul is broken, feeling pain, sadness and confusion weeping in your sight, and you would not know what to do at such a sight because its so rare and precious to you; but to them its an embarrassing moment because, they’ve allowed themselves to crack when they could have held it in for a bit longer until you’d have left them in private to vent and cry, but now you’ve seen them in their worst of times crying whether of anger or sadness, to them it makes no difference it should not have happened.

I love what Lenny Williams said in his performance of the number one love song “cause i love you” that near enough left me in tears haha. He said:

“now i know y’all have heard that its a sign of weakness for a man to cry, but i don’t believe that for one second ‘cus every time i read the newspaper it tell me women live longer, I think thats ‘cus women let it out and men try to hold it in. i’m telling you brothers if you want to cry and don’t want anyone to see you cry, go outside and cry it’ll let you live a little longer…..”

This is what i understand ‘showing emotions” to be, everyone is able to show their emotions of happiness, joy, peace and blissfulness but not everyone has the privilege of seeing close friends or family members display their more emotional (sensitive) side because that involves a deep trust and understanding to be between them for it to occur. Personally speaking showing my emotional side is something that i find hard to accept to do unless its in front of someone i really trust and confide in, i don’t go about telling people my feelings nor do i try to put myself in the position of making my feelings known to a girl unless i really like them and for me i can only do this based on how i see the person, nothing more. Yes, i write some emotional s**** but thats for when i’m in my feelings and am inspired to do so, i don’t expect anyone to come up to me and say i’m weak for writing emotional stuff because i know where i stand as a guy, and my ability to hold my own does not diminish because i write and reveal that personal side of me.

Thus, in conclusion to this post and a possible answer to the question ‘why do guys find it hard to show their emotions?’ is: you have not yet touched the 3rd dimension – their soul which will be ready to express to you how they feel if you know how to approach them, secondly its based on trust and other elements of feelings that come with showing your emotions. If they don’t trust you, why should they show their emotions to you? if you’re a female learn to be someone a guy can trust and if you’re a guy be someone who will not only support your friend when they’re showing the most hurt regardless of their situation in your eyes, be there as a friend and do not undermine their respect for you in telling you or displaying to you how they feel about something. Showing emotions does have a positive side affect but it can also have a bad side effect too.

@SummerKnight99

Paradox living

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Life is a mystery, a paradox
in which we are born into.
That very activity – being born
is not done by our own accord, we do not decide outside space and time
where we exist bodiless, where our very essence could be detected in the form of
energy level and star dust particles floating in harmony with the galaxies
and stars, that we wanted to be created.
In that state, we did not want by our own will to turn into a being – a matter
made up of feelings, flesh and blood along with brittle bones and hallow checks.
No It happened !
for what purpose i do not know – thats for you to figure out.

But like i said life is a paradox,
during the period of our existence, we wallow, groan and complain
of all the misfortunes that befall us and these are many.
They outweigh the memories of our short lived happiness.
Nevertheless, we enjoy the good times, good friends and family members
around us.

And than when we fall on hard times, we feel helpless and even start to curse the day we
were born. We cannot see a solution to our problem, some of us go further to even wish for death
itself – calling it upon its name
“I wish i could DIE NOW”

The irony of it all is
when death does come knocking on your door,
when the clock hands are ticking away
chiming in rhythm, it comes to you just how much you value your life.
How much you’ve not accomplished, how many places you’ve not yet visited.
You begin to plead and attempt to negotiate with death, begging for more time,
“no, not yet, i’m not ready…”
“no, i’ve still not…”
“No…”

Beg and negotiate all you want,
argue all you want,
but when your cycle of life has come to an end, its time for you to accept
and give place to the soul that is ready to take your place.
The longer you hasten the inevitable, you hold
new life from entering the world.

This is the paradox of life,
no one wished, or had formulated a plan for themselves to come into being.
No one in our non-existent essence could have imagined to live in such a place, vibrant
with colour, occupied by varying creatures and coming into contact with other entities like ourselves
whether of a good or bad spirit.
And no one when the time comes wants to forsake all this,
forsake being human and the struggles and passion that come with it.

For Whilst we are alive we wish to die,
and on our death bed we cry to live for a few years longer.
And this is – what i call the paradox of living.

@SummerKnight99