Depression

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me.  A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

My mind is a mirror, a reflection known only to me. A place where i lose my grip on reality, and absurdity reigns within.

“Shh depression doesn’t exist”
Those were the same words I repeated to myself
As I stood gasping for breath,
trying to fight my masked enemy
but the more I tried
the tighter my chest became
closing up against itself.
I felt helpless.

“Depression is said to occur due to an imbalance of chemicals”
I repeated to myself
as the knots in my stomach began to tighten
smaller patterns each time
bringing tears to my eyes
As I allowed myself to dwell on the fact that theory was not reality
and that those who wrote the textbooks hadn’t lived the life that I lived

I was sat in a room full of people
yet I felt alone
My face did not betray the reality of what I was currently experiencing
I usually didn’t cry
but my heart felt like it was drenched in sorrow
perpetual damnation
Again the thought crossed my mind, that:
Academics could sit down all day and write but they would never experience the way it felt to desire death whilst praying for life at the same time

Praying for life because my sun had been overwhelmed by darkness
No sight of hope in myself or those whom I called friends
They would never understand how it felt to deal with such a menacing pursuer
How it felt when the ambiance and crowd had dispersed and all that remained was the small nagging voice inside my head prodding at my tender heart and attacking every aspect of my life
And so it’s funny when people think I’m strong but on the inside I’m crumbling
I’m used to being the rock they lean on, but where’s my support?

And it easier said than done when people say “tell me about it, just talk”
IT’S HARD TO SPEAK
How can I say “I’m suffering”, when it’s not something we talk about?
Strong black independent woman that I am
The strong black independent man
We are strong and black and bold
Depression does not exist
We say out loud, whilst we warily eye the clock
waiting to go home and assume foetus position on our beds as we weep
Our loud cries trying to silence those voices

Those tiny consistent voices
My personal nemesis
It makes me despise the philosophical concept of
“I think therefore I am”
Is my existence really necessary?
Why must I think?
The very thing that asserts my humanity destroys me completely…
My thoughts.

I want to stand on the highest mountain and scream and regain my being
I want to go back to how things were before depression overcame me
I want to overcome it
I’m tired
I’m tired of being tired
I want my freedom
“FREE ME!”
I shout, silently whispering the words “please” after

Hoping, praying that my demons take it easy with me
Praying that my shouting didn’t offend them and even if it did
hoping that my guardian angel is finally bold enough to fight on my behalf…
As I regain consciousness I hear the words,
“Why are you here?”
My voice breaking I looked up at her and said
“I tried to overcome depression
I guess I was given a second chance”
She smiled at me and repeated the same words I heard Annalise Keating say on TV last night
Last night when I thought it was too late to puke up the concoction

“I think about it a lot. Killing myself.
I have ever since I was a child.
A lot of times, I think the world would be a much better place without me in it.
But I don’t do it.
You’re a better person than I am.
And if I don’t deserve to die, then you definitely don’t.
I’m sorry you feel alone in your pain, but so do I.
So does everybody. That’s life.”

And you know what?
“That’s life”
Sounds like a better phrase to me than
“depression doesn’t exist”
It’s hard to treat what you refuse to acknowledge
Some days are good
Some days are okay
Some days could be better
Each day I like to think that I grow stronger
And at the end of the day
It’s only ever a bad day not a bad life.

@SummerKnight99 and co-written with a good friend

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The 3rd Dimension to a Man

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“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” – Sigmund Freud

The main reason why i’m writing about this is because of a number of reasons: one a lot of people especially females have noticed the stuff i’ve wrote on the blog are emotional poetry and they have commended me. Secondly, its interesting to hear from a female perspective the way they see men display their emotions. Thirdly, its something that needs to be spoken about particularly in a culture and society that seems to reinforce the idea that men displaying their emotions is a sign of weakness, or its a woman’s characteristic to cry and show emotions, thus men are looked down upon by other men when they do so.

The reason why i’ve titled this post – ‘3rd dimension to a man’ is because, i believe humans are composed of 3 substances. The first being our physical body, the second being our spirit and the third our Soul. and the Soul (whether you believe in it or not is your opinion to have) is the most precious and sensitive component to a human, its what drives us, when we feel sad or happy our soul carries the burden and joy, our soul understands our deepest desires and wishes, feels the most pain in a song or the aftermath of a broken heart. Thus, for females or anyone wanting to see a man display their emotions, they first have to touch their soul which will reflect their inward feelings of happiness, sadness or sorrow, or being in love, or utter rage.

The common question that gets raised is “why do guys find it hard to show emotion” and the common answer is “because we do not want to” or “a guy shouldn’t show emotions in public….” First of all, i want you to know what i understand by emotion. The way i understand the phrase “showing emotion” is to see a guy cry, and act in any way that leaves him feeling vulnerable and this is one of the main reasons why guys find it hard to show emotions if we’re taking it by what i understand it to be. Yes we live in a society that is hyper masculine, whereby guys try so hard to maintain this image of being a ‘Tough guy’ who won’t let the slightest thing upset him or wouldn’t dare shed a tear in public for someone they love unless its in private or mourn about the hard times they’re going through to their friends.

You see, I myself do it – why you may ask, well because what do i say to my friend when he questions why i’m crying and i explain myself to him. In that moment of explanation, although he might sympathise with me i know he’ll tell me to ‘man up and keep going forward’. This very illustration is the root of the problem, we – adult men or boys in their teenage-hood or childhood stage have been told from a very young age to repress our feelings at all times, when we get excited about something we are told ‘relax or calm down’ when we cry we are reminded ‘big boys don’t cry’ and these sort of remarks have been ingrained into our subconscious to the extent in which we begin to reprimand ourselves when we act in any way that is ‘Violating’ how a guy should behave.

Guys are exposed to the gym, physical sports, careers such as the military and are expected to have Alpha Male complexes whereby we are confident in ourselves, we can lead and be decisive having no room for compromise. So tell me, how do you expect a man to show emotions when surrounded by such things and ideals?

The very idea of even opening up to someone else is hard, confiding in them to know your ambitions and deepest feels. I personally do not, unless i am 100% sure that i can fully trust them and they would not talk behind my back. I like to maintain the belief that i can deal with everything especially bad things by being quite, and this is mainly with emotions, and i think most guys think this as well. Being silent when you’re upset or when you’re starting to (as we refer to it nowadays) ‘catch feelings for someone’ is the best way from preventing yourself getting hurt. As what often happens is a guy would ‘catch feelings’ for a girl and when they reveal these feelings, theres a possibility the feelings are not reciprocal. If the feelings are not reciprocal and the girl notifies her friends of the guy that tried approaching her than the whole situation becomes embarrassing for the guy. This is part of the reason why us guys find it hard to tell woman how we feel towards them for fear of being rejected and feeling vulnerable.

This is not to say that all guys are afraid of being rejected, there’s an element of trust in play as well, in the sense we expect it to be between ourselves -no more, no less. There’s nothing worse for a guy that has been rejected to be taken the piss out off by other guys or the girl’s friends, and i’m sure that this has happened to every guy at least once in their life time – your friends having ‘banter’ at your incompetence.

The term ‘I Love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’ may be hard for some guys to say and truly mean it. Theres a sense of pride attached to them, if i am to say ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘i love you’ than it means i have realised and acknowledged my errors, or how much you mean to me and this is how i’m going to express my feelings to you by telling you or doing something for you. The 3rd dimension of a man can be hard to unlock, there are some couple’s out there in the world who have been married for so many years that their husbands have to an extent stopped reminding them just how much they love them, or they fail to demonstrate their love and this leads to confusion and unnecessary fights.

Men find it easy to cry when their favourite sports team have won a major game or title, or when they’re laughing but this type of crying is not one that leaves them feeling vulnerable and makes them move inwardly – no this is the cry of joy not sorrow or because of being heart broken and sad because they’ve fallen out with their wives or girlfriend or their close friends. However, a man can cry without feeling shame at the death of a loved one, but this is too late to show such signs of affection thus bringing us back to the question why do guys find it hard to show their emotions?

Some may say because of society’s expectations, but i believe its because theres a profoundness in showing emotions. To show emotions – crying, the feeling of being in love, feeling pain, joy, despair or any mixed emotions leaves one feeling totally lost and consumed by unexplainable thoughts. And when the phase of going through these emotions has gone by, we seem to return to our senses and question our behaviour, whether or not it was rational to speak so emotionally or to behave in such and such a manner. Most of the time we guys laugh at ourselves and say ‘i won’t do that again’. This is because of the feeling that is attached to crying, you’re pouring out and displaying how broken up you are inside and the frustration and anger of not being able to do anything about it is eating you up, and when its too much for you to handle you release it, and there you’ll see a guy who’s soul is broken, feeling pain, sadness and confusion weeping in your sight, and you would not know what to do at such a sight because its so rare and precious to you; but to them its an embarrassing moment because, they’ve allowed themselves to crack when they could have held it in for a bit longer until you’d have left them in private to vent and cry, but now you’ve seen them in their worst of times crying whether of anger or sadness, to them it makes no difference it should not have happened.

I love what Lenny Williams said in his performance of the number one love song “cause i love you” that near enough left me in tears haha. He said:

“now i know y’all have heard that its a sign of weakness for a man to cry, but i don’t believe that for one second ‘cus every time i read the newspaper it tell me women live longer, I think thats ‘cus women let it out and men try to hold it in. i’m telling you brothers if you want to cry and don’t want anyone to see you cry, go outside and cry it’ll let you live a little longer…..”

This is what i understand ‘showing emotions” to be, everyone is able to show their emotions of happiness, joy, peace and blissfulness but not everyone has the privilege of seeing close friends or family members display their more emotional (sensitive) side because that involves a deep trust and understanding to be between them for it to occur. Personally speaking showing my emotional side is something that i find hard to accept to do unless its in front of someone i really trust and confide in, i don’t go about telling people my feelings nor do i try to put myself in the position of making my feelings known to a girl unless i really like them and for me i can only do this based on how i see the person, nothing more. Yes, i write some emotional s**** but thats for when i’m in my feelings and am inspired to do so, i don’t expect anyone to come up to me and say i’m weak for writing emotional stuff because i know where i stand as a guy, and my ability to hold my own does not diminish because i write and reveal that personal side of me.

Thus, in conclusion to this post and a possible answer to the question ‘why do guys find it hard to show their emotions?’ is: you have not yet touched the 3rd dimension – their soul which will be ready to express to you how they feel if you know how to approach them, secondly its based on trust and other elements of feelings that come with showing your emotions. If they don’t trust you, why should they show their emotions to you? if you’re a female learn to be someone a guy can trust and if you’re a guy be someone who will not only support your friend when they’re showing the most hurt regardless of their situation in your eyes, be there as a friend and do not undermine their respect for you in telling you or displaying to you how they feel about something. Showing emotions does have a positive side affect but it can also have a bad side effect too.

@SummerKnight99